THE GANZFELD AND MY BIG NOSE

“-unless I am myself, I am nobody”

VIRGINIA WOOLF

There is such a thing as the Ganzfeld effect.  

Ganzfeld is a German world that means “complete field.” It is a perceptual deprivation that is caused by exposure to an unstructured, uniform stimulation field. Usually, the result of this exposure is “seeing black”- an apparent sense of blindness because the brain eventually cuts off the unchanging signal from the undifferentiated and uniform field of color or object. The thing is the brain that has cut off then tries to turn back on, looking for the missing visual signals. In all that trying, there is an amplification in neural noise. Neural noise is basically the random intrinsic electrical fluctuations within neuronal networks; various neural circuits interconnected by synapses to carry out a particular function when fired, forming large scale brain networks when various circuits are in turn interconnected.

Why it is a fascinating thing is, the result of this process has been studied and proven to give rise to hallucinations or an altered state of consciousness. It is something that has been around for a long time as apparently scholars and searchers of wisdom retreated to dark caves to experience these states and gain deeper insights. It’s also why we see ghosts in the dark and imagine all sort of things in the darkness. Our brain is overcompensating; trying to switch on what seems off but isn’t- our sight; our vision. It’s like our ability to perceive must result in comprehension, deduction and conclusion. If the eyes are open, they must see. 

My past posts have been about something that I’ve been on and on about since before I begun this blog. It’s something that we all encounter on a personal and even a spiritual level sometimes. It is the undertaking that creates in us the perceptions of truth we hold fast to. It is why we are as individuated as we come, diversely manifold and beautifully so. It is why there is expression in all its forms; science, faith, and art among many already existent and yet to come. What I mean is, we all have to make sense of our existence and its purpose or contribution to the rest of existence as whole, at some point, in some form, for some time within our lifetimes. I wrote about a sense of how I understand myself to be in my last post and I said, 

 “So much of my perceptions of myself and myself in relation to others are fraught with a whole wide range of feeling and emotion in constant roller coaster motion. It’s just how I’ve always known life to be. It is my definition of life and what goes on inside my head- an unimaginable never-ending plethora of probability. 

The only reason, I can most assuredly say I am sane and not outright mental therefore is because ever since I acknowledged my living and breathing consciousness, I have been like this. Always streaming buckets of emotions from multiple possibilities in a single moment like they had happened even before reality determined which thing was to be. Because of this, housing neighboring emotion from those around me in the multitude of them within their circumstances. 

Life has always been much. Life is a lot that way and I was built to handle it, to enjoy it, to grow from it, to suffer so beautifully in it; I don’t know how I’d live in any other life because I wouldn’t want to. This place is where I found my creativity and have dwelt ever since.” 

What I meant in relation to what I’m saying today, is something always gives and must give in the reconciliation of what we see and know inside ourselves, with what we see when we open our eyes. Sometimes, there isn’t any disparity, and life is convenient because of it. In some other cases, like mine, there is such a chasm, it feels like it would rival the Grand Canyon. With my music, I have shared my life because you see, it is the thing that gave and had to give. Because of the dissonance that has always been from the huge difference I feel in who I am and what I see around myself, creativity begun in me and birthed music for me to cope with existence and for me to channel the being of my existence, I strongly believe. 

Depending of the depth and width and heights of the inconsistencies and inequalities that in one way or another, become apparent to us when we are contrasted with society, it is not so much the material reality that affects us but the internal implications rippling from the outside into the inside. For example, if society determined by popular culture and trend that a “big nose” for a female was an unattractive quality, in the knowledge that attractiveness is an advantageous characteristic to have for sociological and biological reasons, the thing that affects someone with a big nose isn’t the nose itself, but how they feel inside themselves concerning the nose, caused by the desire to be accepted by other for sociological and biological reasons. 

We all have “big noses” in one way or another and the seemingly straightforward answer is, get a rhinoplasty, or contour enough to make it appear less big- basically, conform to the standard set by the colossal weight of society’s expectations and culture, or be extricated from its special and meaningful ranks because of it.

It is the nature of every living thing to in its best ability, defend itself from that which could harm it. Take a tree for example; it would grow thorns on its branches to make it more difficult for those interested in taking from it, to suffer some harm from pricking in the event of taking from it. It will grow tall and hard and dig deep its roots in the ground so it is not easily moved from it place. It will use its weaknesses to survive; if you are to pick from its fruit, in it will be seeds that can birth more of it as you unintentionally grow another tree by discarding the seeds that are unsurprisingly, inedible. In this day and age, humans are not so afraid of being picked off one by one by some carnivorous predator, neither do we have some strategy to propagate our existence through the plucking of fruit, for we do not bear any. Instead, the ultimate predator today we live in fear of and must serve, is our own creation and consists of many. It is society and it is myself. 

Read through some of my past posts or have a conversation with me, to know my big nose is how different I feel from the rest of society around me with my art, among other inconsistencies. I am constantly writing about how hard it is to begin and survive as an artist from my country writing and singing in English, with the styles and genres I choose to employ and with the subject of my art. I have blamed ignorance; that of others and my own. I have attempted and tried to remedy that ignorance. I have conformed and attempted and tried to be like that which is seemingly more acceptable; made more covers, changed my style, tried to be more likeable on social media, etc. I have tried networking duplicitously to get into the circles that would have me and help may art succeed.  I have been angry and have been scared and I have been sad, because this is what I want to do with my life.

Society is the big bad guy because we are a third world country and the record labels that can change our lives will not come to Kampala to scout us and sign us. They would have us move to and compete in the music capitals of the world like Los Angeles or London, or would have us be born Nigerian. Our own industry would not accept or desire to appreciate what I bring to the table because it is not something that can be danced to in a nightclub, or lacks a catchy Luganda phrase and title. Like, there’s so many legitimate issues with life and art, in the world and Uganda and boo-hoo about it and because of it; but here I am still with my big nose, and still extricated from some special and meaningful ranks because of it. 

So, some on pour me a tall glass of whatever the big nosed people drink to cope with what becomes of them, for they cannot afford a rhinoplasty and have not enough skill or product to rightly contour the giant things they breathe through. It’s some affirmation here and a blog for grumbling and complaining about it all there. It’s some self-love aphorism and mantra here and some 100k per session therapy there for the resultant depression because apart from art, I am failing to make sense of my life and the part I play in it, in relation to society that won’t let me, because I have a big nose and boo-hoo about it and because of it. Here I am still with my big nose. 

I find I like literature and philosophies about tragedy and the bleakness of life, because I can empathize with the characters and story as I too have a big nose. Existentialism is something I’m constantly reading about and loving, because they don’t tell me to be “happy anyway” and “love myself” despite my big nose, like those offering affirmation mantras do. They know the absurd exists. They get that it sucks and they don’t live pretending they like what they don’t about themselves; and there’s a bunch of essays to read and drown in about the truth of that because it really does suck and boo-hoo about it and because of it. Kierkegaard, Satre, Tolstoy and Kafka all died with their big noses and here, I am with mine, still. 

I could save up and get a rhinoplasty, but I would hate myself more like that, than I already do now, because I would not be myself. Why can’t I be loved and accepted for who I feel I am? Why even do I need and crave love and acceptance? Are they, the small-nosed populace better than me because of it? I am I the big-nosed minority lesser than them because of it? Why do I perceive such indifference from the audience I would share my expressions with? And most importantly, why is society’s solution and demand some form of conformity always! 

As I said, I’ve been writing a lot about this for some time and thinking about it even before I could but the difference now is, I have learned that I shall always have my big nose. Even if one day I self-betray and self-deny, I will always be, “the girl who used to have a big nose.”

I must remember that conformity is preservation and preservation is useful. But it must be to an end; for life must be lived with purpose and meaning, otherwise it is not life but existence; It is essence-less.

As I also said, in this day and age, humans are not so afraid of being picked off one by one by some carnivorous predator, neither do we have some strategy to propagate our existence through the plucking of fruit, for we do not bear any. Instead, the ultimate predator today we live in fear of and must serve, is our own creation and consists of man. It is ourselves. Yes, it is society in so many ways, but it is ultimately ourselves- myself. For if I cannot bear to be big nosed, I am at society’s mercy. There shall always be another thing that they cannot bear about me, for one reason or another, and I shall change it until I am no more.

I have learned that not all wisdom is wise concerning this and not all who claim to be alive and revived by it actually are. For me, the point of being alive is to have the opportunity to be myself as I feel I am and was made to be.

So, I will close my eyes as they laugh at me and point fingers. I will close my eyes as I feel their indifference radiate from their opinions to the core of my esteem. But I will close my eyes, not because I am afraid, but because you see, and as I said, our brains are always overcompensating; trying to switch on what seems off but isn’t- our sight; our vision. I understand it is my ability to perceive myself as all I think I deserve to be perceived; successful, admired, respected and adored because I have worth, that must result in others comprehension, deduction and conclusion of the same about me. If eyes are open, they must see, what I’m seeing right? 

Wrong.

It is a perception that is only true inside myself. So inside myself I must remain to function as I feel I am, and to do that, my eyes must be closed. It is how I cope for now- in an altered state of consciousness where I am enough, because in truth, I am okay with my big nose. I even think I am beautiful and special because of it. And it’s okay for society to think differently because, they have their reasons and it matters not whether I agree or disagree with them, or make them agree with me, for my big nose remains despite and in spite of it all.

When I close my eyes, my Genzfeld world begins. It is darkness and I am terrified by the loneliness of it. I am mortified by my own insignificance in the world I know exists around me. I am desperate to be accepted, for who I am, but by whom? Even if the world loved me, as long as I didn’t love and accept myself, the entire milky way and galaxies in their entirety would not be enough. I must imagine Sisyphus happy, but not to beguile myself into living in a false reality when my altered state of consciousness begins. It is how I choose to cope with what might hurt lesser and lesser with time but always will, because for one reason or another, I have and will always have a big nose. Nonetheless, the colors I see make it a better existence, and in it I can create and love and appreciate that which I create. It seems it is all I have ever wanted.