A kind of beautiful

Pseudo Beautiful- Quasi cute; A Kind of Beautiful
A “hey, wassap! whatchu do?” would maybe suffice.
But asking if my braids are real is so not nice.
Oh. Of all the first things that could come out of your mouth.
So yes, Ok. I do. I kind of have an accent.
But it’s because I didn’t grow up where you did.
Oh. Now its really weird that I even speak English.

“Be that self which one truly is.”
SOREN KIERKEGAARD

A December evening. A night relaxing and unwinding with friends. It is as cold as could be and beginning to drizzle too. Grabbed some coffee with some friends and now headed to this cool spot. It’s well lit, cozy and invitingly chill. There’s a pool table, great booths, and crazy good music probably playing off Spotify. Other people are there most likely with the same objective we have- to unwind. Converstaion begins amongst my friends. Strangers join in. General conversation splits into smaller ones between twos and threes of the now much larger party.

Random Individual guy from general conversation to me: Hey. (But like an unconfident and hesitant I-hope-I’m-not-offending-you-by-saying-hey, kind of hey)

Me: Hey. ( But like a it’s-all-good-dude-I-don’t-bite kind of hey back)

*Random small talk about the weather and sports and stuff to thaw the proverbial ice*

Random Individual guy: Nice hair! Is it real?
Me: *Raises eyebrows in a no-he-did-not-just-do-that way* followed by my feeble attempt at explaining how braids are actually extentions plaited into my real hair, so they are techinically half real hair but also not as they are just extensions therefore, in answer to his question and some other random jazz to top it off.
Random Individual guy: Cool. That’s rad.
Me: *Casual head nod in reluctant cognizance to response in a dude-it’s-just-hair-so-but-cool-thanks-I-guess kind of way.

* He didn’t get it*

Random Individual guy: So are you from around here?
Me: No I am not actually. I’m from Uganda. I’m here doing an internship for a couple months.
Random Individual guy: Wow! That’s cool! That’s in Africa, right? I did notice you kind of had an accent. How do you speak English though? You’re so good at it.
Me: *Closes eyes momentarily and sighs to muster courage for a response* followed by explanations concerning British colonization of Uganda thus the English speaking*
Random Individual guy: Cool. *Some more awkward head nods and sipping of drinks*

*Silence* *Crickets stridulating* *Glances going around*

Random Individual guy: Ummm so my friend’s done talking to your friend… so guess I’ll head out with him? Nice meeting you?
Me: Cool. Sure thing! I think amma head to the bathroom real quick too. *Downs the rest of my drink first*

* Eventually walks to the bathroom*

IN THE BATHROOM

Stands in front of mirror for a while. Proceeds to pretend to use the toilet. Closes door. Waits for a bit contemplating how long it actually takes to fake pee. A bunch of girls come in. They are talking about how lame this guy one of them came to see is. One replys with an emphatic “totally.” Another chips in with some other emphatic comment. Conversation continues. I begin to gradually drown it out. I realise that I should flush and get out before I am thought to be taking a dump. I can’t begin to deal with that stereotype. I flush the toilet. I get out of my stall. The other girls smile at me and say hey when they see me. I say hey back. They leave.

I stand at the mirror and stare back at my reflection. I sigh. I tug at my braids. I sigh again. I straighten my top over my torso and turn to get a better view of my butt in my blue jeans. I should have gone with the dress. I sigh again. I look at my braids again and slightly re arrange them. I wash my hands. I walk out of the bathroom.

BACK OUTSIDE

My friend; Hey you! I was just about to come in and check on you. You doing ok?
Me: Oh yeah! I’m fine.Thanks.
My friend: You sure? You look a bit out of it. Wanna head home? Should I grab the other guys?
Me: Naa. You’re good. I’ll leave when you guys want to leave. Take you time!
My friend: You sure, Isabel?
Me: Yeah I am! *More enthusiastically this time* I want to grab another drink actually. Want me to get you anything?
My Friend: You’re so sweet! Thanks, but I’m fine. Still have this one. *points to drink in her hand*

*Heads to counter to grab that drink for myself coz I need it*

COUNTER

Me: Hey. Could I please get a rum and coke?
Counter guy: Sure thing! Coming right up.

*Hands me my rum and coke*

I take a seat at the counter. The TV has a football game playing. There’s some peanuts next to me. I contemplate grabbing a couple. Eventually decide not to. I resign to staring at the screen and downing my drink. My mind is strewn with itself. I feel so out of place. I feel so different. I feel so “other”. I wonder if everyone can see it. I glance around and catch the eye of my friend. She gives me a friendly smile as if to reassure me. I smile back feeling exposed. I pretend to watch the football game on the TV again. I tug at my braids again and begin to twirl them around my left index finger. The time passes by. I’m in my head. I don’t notice.

My friend snaps me out of it by handing me my coat and saying it is time to go. I am indifferent to leaving. I grab it and begin to wear it. Random Individual guy passes by with his other friend. His other friend says goodbye to my friend. I’m not even going to say anything. We are obviously waiting for our friends. After his friend is finished, he attempts to introduce me to his friend.

Random Individual guy; Yo, this is Isabel. She is from Ghana.
Random Individual guy’s friend; Sweet! That’s totally rad!
Me: *Tired casual smile at them all*
I turn to the door to leave. My friend follows behind me.

OUTSIDE AND HEADING TO THE CAR

My friend: I thought you’re from Uganda?
Me: I am *More of that casual tired smile*
My friend: Oww. Its just that when…
Me: *interjecting* Yeah, I didn’t have it in me.
My friend: *casual laughter in understanding*
Me: *reciprocation of laughter*
My friend: You have a good time though?
Me: Yes I did! Thanks!

INSIDE THE CAR

Seat belts are worn. Music is played and the journey to our destinations begins. I’m looking out the window. I’m back in my head again and strangely twirling my braids again. I continue to think while looking out the window.
Me: Do you know any decent hair saloons around here? I’d like to fix a hair appointment.
My friend; Sure! There’s this place I go to. Just ask for Nina. She’s the best. She always does my hair and makes it look great. I’m sure she’ll do a great job for you too! When did you want to go?
Me: Tomorrow maybe mid morning?
My friend: Awesome! I’ll send you the address and everything as soon as we get home and you can fix the appointment. Shouldn’t be too packed tomorrow. It’s the weekends that are really crazy. So you should be good.
Me: Yeah.
My friend: Whatchu thinking of doing?
Me: Nothing much. Maybe a cut.
My friend: Oww nice! I didn’t even know you could do that with your hair? I bet that would look so gorgeous on you! So like a cute shoulder length cut?
Me: Naa. I’m just going to cut it off.
My friend: Wait, Like all of it?!
Me: Most of it.
My friend says something and something else. I’m back in my mind and it reeling and reeling. She’s slowly drowning out. The music is playing. I’m watchig the drizzles stream down on the glass.

Life and its caustic nature.