Darkest light; dark light.
You’d think something living is alive.
You’d see light and wonder in awe of its sight.
Yet, I have learnt that things are not as they all would seem;
It’s weird that the darkest things shine brighter than you’d’ ever believe.
You’d think someone singing would make a sound,
But lately I’ve also been feeling without a heart;
You can’t believe it but, the crowd applauds every time.
It’s weird the most lifeless me is what you’d see and think is real.
” Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”
SOREN KIERKEGAARD.
This is the problem; one can either do one thing or the other, but whether you do or do not- you will regret both. I’m reminded of how this was so true for me during High School, when I was compulsorily subjected to Math Education. If I studied the whole term, I’d get 38%. If I didn’t, I’d get 38%. I was almost completely convinced my Math teacher had for some strange reason decided that would be my grade for the better part of my O’level. I mean, there would be slight variations in my performance with the occasional addition of a mark or the reduction of two, but an F9 was an F9. I still wonder every day how I historically escaped the clutches of ultimate F9 failure at the UCE examinations, but then again it makes sense because I doubt my Math teacher was marking my paper. Nonetheless, the point and fact was, I sucked at Math. That struggle was evident and felt whether I studied or not, whether I passed or not, or whether my Math teacher marked my paper or didn’t. One can either do one thing or the other, but whether you do or do not- you will regret both.
This is something I have thought about and concluded in the affirmative concerning. The autonomy of life subjects you to its despotic living. No revolution usurps it. No rebellion frees you from its tyranny. No concessions are made in negotiation. No treaties are signed in diplomacy. You breathe. So you are definitely alive. That doesn’t guarantee that you are living though. You’d think something living is alive. You eventually realize through life’s teaching that something alive could as well exist unequivocally, dead. It’s weird the most lifeless things usually look the most alive. Like a crowd beguiled and applauding to a singer that sung without making a sound. It’s real and it isn’t. This is indeed the problem; one can either do one thing or the other, but whether you do or do not- you will regret both.
It’s the human tedium. We crave life and death in equal measure. Life is the reality that showcases its tenacity and vitriol until your small feeble mind is sulfurous contents of its kettle for tea. With every sip it watches you wonder; which is the truth? Which is the lie? Life is the reality that will sip again, and then sardonically, tick-tock your life away. Either way- you will regret the truth, you will regret the lie in such a disparate conundrum that sets us all to seething until even after the dream, we wake to reality foolishly optimistic that everything is still blue.
That foolish optimism is the hope that keeps us living. It is the motion and anthem of our souls. It is the light at the end of the tunnel. You’d see that light and wonder in awe of its sight. Yet I have learnt that things are not as they all would seem. I remember that sometimes, the darkest things shine brighter than you’d’ ever believe each time that light at the tunnel that I run to is actually and in fact another train coming. The life of hope begets the death of despair. Despair then births more hope in a resistance to counter the imbalance. One begets the other. It’s the human tedium. We crave life and death in equal measure.
For so long, I have been hit in the face with this actualization in every fear, dream, aspiration, longing, step and desire. I felt foolish for hoping and empowered each time I did. I have made mistakes in life that have made me who I am, and broken all I consist as too. In living, I have died. In death, I have lived. In trusting, I have been betrayed. In betrayal I have trusted. I have been blessed and guided by the light. I have been blinded and burnt by sight. The light has called and beckoned me to hill tops. From the light, I have fled into deepest valleys. The light is light and the light is dark.
It is the lesson rehashed. All that glitters isn’t gold, and in this case, all that shines is pure and light and sometimes its deathly and dark, too. When the light calls, do I stay or do I go? How then will I know, If I’m therefore never sure of what I’m doing?
The resolution I have found to this is that we are born into the fight. Living happens when you sit into the tension that life is. So you see, this problem is the experience. The experience is to dare and to lose one’s footing momentarily, but not to dare is to lose oneself all together. I will either do one thing or the other.
I will choose to love, or refuse to be receive love.
Love will corrode my heart of flesh. Love will the balm that soothes and heals its aching.
The fact is however that whether I love or do not- I will regret both.
Life is a caustic romance.
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